Distracted.

     Today is May 5th, 2021, and man has it been some time. I apologize I haven’t been writing. I’ve been distracted and not focused on me really. That’s okay though. Sometimes we all lose sight of ourselves. Man it is not good either. The devil and his temptations are everywhere disguised as an angel. I promise. We forget how good it tastes to be a sinner. I just need to cut my ties and be completely free. I am better that way. I work twice as hard but I never rest. I am just constantly on go go go mode it seems. It’s that I use work to distract myself and I never heal. That has been my only downfall. I need to keep telling myself that  “Nothing is going to change unless I make a change.” Whether that be completely taking myself from the relationship game or it be to change me. I feel like if I need to change myself though, I have got to heal, learn, love, forgive, and forget some things. When will we learn whether we are getting all of those things reciprocated back? What vibes we give off, we attract. I have given in. I have been wrong. Lord, I love you, please forgive me.

Bringing it back from the beginning.

    Today is January 7th, 2021 and man has this world been crazy already haha! I just have come to think that this is all just a joke anyway so I don’t even pay attention to it. I don’t need it draining me anyways. Man has it been crazy in my personal life for a good minute. The condo and the drama only got worse. I figured they would figure it out but no, David punched Leeann, his ex in the face mind you, she’s around the age of 20 and he’s in his 40’s. All kinds of crap went down that night. I wasn’t even home for the love of God. I’m like this makes no sense. Why is he punching people, because he punched one of the other people in the condo? So I am moving out since they want to increase rent anyways. I’m not even gonna stress it. I am in a place for $600 mind you, it’s not my own anymore but I am in a safe environment. I can start my life anew again and not have to stress about rent or anything. I am about to get a car again. I am so excited. I have been working up to saving some money. I have been really depressed the last few weeks. I kinda quit eating for about a week. Lost all about 5lbs. Now it’s time for a change. 

I now can physically see how much my depression affects me. It makes me so sad and angry on the inside because I actually put up with things I shouldn’t have to. I made the change. Changed my whole environment once more. I think this place is way better. I can still play my music. I can blog in peace. I can eat and the place stays clean. I can still smoke. Man, it's crazy how fast life can change in a day. I want to eat again. I ate last night and I drank a protein shake this morning. There is an open gym at my new apartment that is actually open. I can use the pool. If I really wanted to get away and blog in super peace they have a study area. They are newer apartments and the owner has this one decorated really nicely. I know I haven’t blogged in a good minute but I have been dissociated with life more or less. Well, my life anyways. I apologize. I am starting to get the things I want again, let's just say, Dante… :) for starters. Also a stable home, and a reliable car. Man am I so happy. It’s like we got our little family back together. Kiki, Puddin, Him, and I. I’ve been thinking and wishing that he would come back. He was the nicest man I have ever dated. We made each other feel loved. Took things slow. We moved in together and started building though rather quickly. We had each other's backs for sure. We did all kinds of different projects together. We have played together since he was a gamer. He bought a controller for me to connect to his computer so we could play together. He wanted to invest in trading together. He would ask for daily pointers and things. He made sure I ate. Made sure I had everything I wanted and needed. Pushed me to be the blogger I want to be. Helped me fix my hair and makes me get my nails done when I tell him I want to save, he tells me he gave me money. Pushed me to go out and model. Take pictures of me so I promote him. We feed and nurture each other. We take care of each other and support each other. 

Boy have I missed my stable old life. I missed him. I missed our old apartment. We are in a newer one now. The way we used to be with each other. I missed how we would talk about our future. I feel much better now. I feel this year is going to be life-changing for me.

WOOOOHOOO!

Today is November 23, 2020, and my baby competed! He got the holeshot and got out there. At the first corner, he was in 6th place and the cameras were watching him the whole time. He was on TV! I was so proud of him. He did great. Tomorrow we have another race I believe. I have been having so much fun I failed to realize I might have to go home tomorrow. Breaks my heart but I guess it is time to go to work and make some money. Time has been flying by. I can’t believe it has been three days here already. I have been more than happy that God blessed me with this vacation. I really needed it. I have been able to relax and not worry about anything. I haven't needed to smoke my lungs out being so stressed. I haven’t smoked once before. That is insane for me. Y’all already know. 

I actually slept well and got some decent sleep. My boy got a couple of drinks for the hotel and had fun last night. We watched his son work out in the gym when we were out eating dinner by the pool. I’ve been patient even though normally I would have lost it with a couple of things. Did my best to stay positive and I have been doing amazing. I have been having so much fun. Just relaxing and helping out the best I can with everything for my boy. 

Family ties.

     Today is November 21st, 2020 and it’s been a good day. Lately, I haven’t been the best but we keep pushing on and keep moving forward with everything. I have just been trying to work and keep positive but honestly, it’s been a struggle. I have people in my house for the long term and don’t get me wrong I love them to death but I have no time to myself. It’s been driving me insane. I haven’t been able to blog or report my day between working and helping everyone in the house with all the things they want me to help with, like filling out applications, finding things to do, people to meet, dealing with the drama in between the roommates. From the time I open my eyes in the morning, they are calling and texting me, and then they want to chat and catch up. Then I deal with the drama part with the “so and so just cooks and leaves the place a mess and I am always cleaning it up blah blah blah” you know?  I’m over it. I am mentally drained. I am more than tired. 

I am going to Gainesville for a motocross race for my friend and his son. They are my whole heart. So I can finally relax and have fun for a few days. I’ve been needing this break for a minute now and I believe is well worth it. I have been having a freaking blast going and watching all the kids and older kids riding their hearts out having fun. One thing that I loved seeing was if one person fell off their bike in the middle of practice or just riding the pit bike track for some fun for everyone racing or not, everyone would help each other out and pick up whoever and make sure the person was okay. It was so sweet. Very nice kids and families. We even brought the dog and she had so much fun. They just practiced today, but what made me upset was the fact that all the older kids and such went first, and then it started raining when the p dubs, the smaller bikes, started going so they cut their practice on the actual track short. So my Punkin couldn’t get his confidence up like we wanted but hey, he still got his holeshot though and we are proud.

Short and Sweet.

 Today is November 16th, 2020. Man it’s the last day of restriction from work with this flu and I am excited to go back to work. Airbnb is still going well. I am a superhost! Meaning now I get money in credits to stay anywhere. My room gets featured in ads, public sites, and things of the sort. To keep super host status I have to meet a certain criteria: maintain a 4.8+ star rating, have a response rate of at least to 80% but I can’t remember honestly, also so many stays within the three month period. I am so proud of myself. 

"Getting Down with the Sickness"

 Today is November 11th, 2020 and I’m sure yall could have guessed but I went to the doctor today because I haven’t been feeling well. Feels like I have strep throat. Turns out that's a negative so they tested me for Covid. Man am I upset. I have only been back to work for a week and now I’m off again for god knows how long. This is really taking a toll on me. I was more than happy to be out and feeling normal for a week and now I feel so sick. I spent $150 on medication for this crap! That is insane! Never have I ever spent so much money on medications that feel like they don’t work. I have all kinds of vitamins and other z packs and they gave me all kinds of stuff. The medication literally makes me throw up every time I take it. The doctors also told me I have to eat a lot of food and drink plenty of liquids but I just throw it up every time I try to get something down. 

A few days past the 11th, I am still sick. I still feel like crap. My old neighbor, I believe I got him sick. So, we are hanging out here at my place feeling like crap together. 

Letting go

 What do you do to "let go"?

 What is "letting go", to you?

I would love to see some of you guys' thoughts on things, don't be shy! 

Keep pushing.

     Today is November 2, 2020, and I can go back to work finally. That's one thing that is positive. Honestly though, on the inside, I'm losing it. I am more than stressed about money this month since I had none saved from last month with everything falling out the way it did. So I had to start from square one again and I’ve been trying my best to get back on my feet and not stress. I went out with some friends and had a fun night. I tried to cry a bit to help let it out. It helped. Tried cleaning up a bit to relieve some stress. It was not a good day. That's okay though. Baby steps.

Refreshing.

 Today is November 1, 2020, and yesterday I had a good day. It turned out completely backward but it was fine. I still got to see basically everyone. I know I was thinking my girl would be off of work sooner than she was, then she brought my other girlfriend over with her baby and we had a blast. I was thinking I was going to hang out with my friend before that but it ended up being all together hah! I was alone the majority of the day. My old neighbor came over too late last night to burn. Earlier though after my guy friend had left, we girls went to the store and then to Party City for my costume literally right before they closed. Man, it was so empty in there I haven’t personally ever seen so many empty racks and shelves, it was insane. I didn’t hang out anywhere but my house but at least for a few hours I got to dress up. That’s honestly what I was concerned about. It’s my favorite holiday so I'll be d*mned if I don't dress up. 

I ended up going with a simple alien. Definitely a DIY costume. It wasn’t the best but it wasn’t the worst either. I had gotten a holographic headband, earrings, choker, and a skirt. I used a plain white t-shirt for the top piece. I didn’t have all of the supplies that I would have liked to have so I made do. I just tied a knot in the front and tucked the rest. I had gotten this body paint I wanted to use and I wanted to cut up the shirt but I didn’t have any scissors which sucked but it’s fine. It still looked decent and I dressed up so we are staying positive and sticking with that. Today, my girlfriend and her son were staying over and we hung out until like two, and then she had to get clothes and wait for my other girlfriend to get off of work to catch a ride to my condo. That took longer than expected honestly and I got lonely and started cleaning! Hey, I finally cleaned out my rabbit cage, it was a few days overdue. Forgive me. I’m back to the dishes, haha. Hey, I got it done though and I feel proud. I haven’t done much in three weeks. 

It’s definitely another start. 

The unsaid and left on read.

October 11th, 2020 - Before reading this, just know I was almost too scared to post this. This goes more into depth with that "relationship" and the things left unsaid.

Romance?

Today apparently I suck according to my partner. According to him all I do is irritate him with my love bites and tickles. I suck as a person because I get so fed up being degraded all the time so I lock myself away in my bedroom so I don't have to hear it anymore. Today I have locked myself in my bedroom three or four times today. I love only being just a piece of p*ssy to the male species. It feels so degrading and belittling. It's okay. I'll be fine. I know I'll be back on top. I can do this on my own. It is so funny because I am freaking 20 doing this shit on my own and these mother freakers can’t make it without being with a woman or mother to take care of them, it is pathetic. No matter the age either. It's so sad. Men my age are so entitled. They want everything handed to them. Men older than my 20-year-old arse have nothing but their mothers or someone to take care of them. As both of my exes, including my ex-husband, are all homeless and live off of people since I broke up with them. 28 years old and you'd think they'd be slightly different. Good god, they aren’t though. When do they really grow up? When do they really start to care? Does true love exist anymore? Does chivalry still exist? Do true “men” exist anymore? They all just run from their problems and impede on more to come. It is exhausting. I know I am over it. 100% FED UP.

I know the other day I saw all these photos of naked women on his phone and email. What the h*ll am I to think of this? I don't look like any of these girls that are in the photos. I don't wear makeup, I don't “dress up” all the time. Makes my self-image shatter to pieces once more. Women just love this right? Does one woman not satisfy a “man” anymore? Who raised these dogs? To just run around not wrapping up and knocking up every woman around but running when their names get attached to the DNA. Makes no sense. They feel as if it is their duty to run and choose whether or not they want to be part of its life. It is absolutely sickening, but us women have a choice? It is different when it is growing inside of a miraculous woman. Men couldn't handle a period let alone to grow another human inside of them for months. Oh man, and at the end of those 9 months, they wouldn't be able to give birth. Oh h*ll no they wouldn't. Lose their god-loving minds. 

Another thing that really p*sses me off is the fact that he likes to play fight and let his ego get the best of him. Also, says he can beat up my father in a fistfight? Who the f*ck says that to their partner? What in his right mind makes him think he can do that let alone say that to me??! I hope he really doesn't think that because lord knows if it were to come down to it he wouldn't make it out alive. I say that in the nicest terms. It is like he doesn't care that I am pregnant and “forgets” and “accidentally” hits me in the stomach. 

Being pregnant, everyone knows that the expecting mother needs to increase their food intake for the newly growing fetus. Well, he wasn’t the first to let me starve. They all have their different ways of doing this. My ex-husband would eat all of the food in the house right after I went grocery shopping and I had just lost my job due to stress from him, unable to focus at work, then he stole my money the rest that I had and he would spend it on food and beer for his boys. Like when will he come home and bring me food? Welp this one is different, he just takes what he wants out of my fridge and house whenever I am not home. Like that is f*cking insane. I am working my arse off for what? To get everything stolen from me? I don’t know where these boys come from but I am over the repetitive b*llsh*t time after time. 

Today I found out I am miscarrying. Now things are getting better. He seems happier and less stressed. He has been working more. Got his membership at the gym again. He has been helping me get everything and carrying me and doing everything for me because I have been in enormous amounts of pain. 

Lmao so now on October 18th, 2020 I am immature and I need to grow the fuck up because I texted his friend's wife to hang out with me when he had pissed me off the last weekend. He's been acting like he's going to hit me and keeps telling me how much he wants to punch me in the face. Then he slings his phone in my face like he was going to swing then tells me if I can't mature then we are done, I say okay to end the conversation and he walks away. Tells me that he can’t trust me and that it makes him sick how he helps pay my bills. Alright then go somewhere the f*ck else.

It's a few days from the 18th, and man has it only gotten worse. And it's funny he asks me why he stays here like I have the f*cking answer to that question?! I ask him the same thing when he's b*tching about how miserable he is. How many red flags I am, and how he’s tired of the b*llsh*t and that's why I always get cheated on because he says it's me who is always b*tching. I get tired of hearing how horrible I am, and if I'm this bad to bring the worst out of you, why be with me? Then his wife is on his arse now and she wants pictures of them kissing and embracing each other like they are in love and then he tells her she can post them to Instagram because he doesn't have one anymore. She's worried about him because he is with me because he's gone all the time. She calls him and goes “HEY BABY” who the f*ck does she think she's talking to? Then she tells him she's lonely and bored and misses him and he needs to come back to her house. Ummm… what??  Why is she so concerned? And why is she going even further with this “sharad”. Apparently, another thing is he says I can’t get mad about it because there's nothing going on? And that I knew about it since day one. Well, he didn't explain the part where I would have to “share” my “boyfriend” and look like this homewrecker and like I am some nasty, stupid b*tch. I don’t do things like that no matter how much I like a guy. It’s so wrong. I feel as if this should be a compromise that they can take pictures just without going further to “fake kissing and embracing”? I don't understand. But I don’t look like a fool being with a guy who clearly looks married to everyone else. Sure thing I don't Alec. NO! Of course, I do!!! I’m in the wrong about this whole thing, Alec says that if I can't get over that he has to kiss her for a picture then we are done. Welp, I am thinking that this is where it is headed. I can’t take feeling like I am not appreciated and like I am a fool for putting up with this b*llsh*t this long. Has no respect nor care about my feelings and what I have to say. I am over it!!!!!! 

So yesterday was, October 22nd, 2020, and oh man Alec decided that he wanted to shove me for trying to help him move out. I am still going through this process of miscarrying and I have been emotionally everywhere. Alec had started an argument before he left for the gym in front of one of my Airbnb stayers. So I told him to just go work out and blow some steam and come back home. Well an hour later he comes home and he straight walks past me. When he came outside after he changed, I said “well hey”. He said “hey” with an attitude and rolled his eyes at me and proceeded to say “I’m tired of being gaslighted.” I said, “I’m sorry, how was the gym.” He goes and starts going on and on about how he can’t stand me and how he can’t stand being here. I told him “no one is stopping you from leaving, and if you feel this way then why stay here?” He says, “I’m moving out tomorrow.” I told him don’t wait till tomorrow, please leave today, I don’t want you here anymore if you feel that way. I will help you get your stuff out too.” He told me he wishes he could hit me and he would if I touched his belongings. Well I was on the edge of the bed and I scooped all of the clothes from the dresser and dropped them in a box and I looked up and he’s coming at me and he shoved me from the end of the bed, through the bathroom door and into the shower. I got up and walked out and called the police. He really started moving his things out quickly then. I told the dispatcher that he was trying to flee the scene as he usually did and that I didn’t know where the new apartment he’d be staying in was. Thankfully they arrived within minutes and he didn’t have time to leave like when he pushed my pregnant friend. I am still trying to wrap my head around this all. Yes, he did go to jail.

It’s October 23rd, 2020, and today I had to go to court for his initial hearing. Well, his bond is $1500 so I am hoping he doesn't get out anytime soon. It is highly probable that he will get out because of his family. He doesn’t have any money like usual. I pay for everything.

I am free. I am done.

Tis my favorite day.

 Today is October 31, 2020, and It’s Halloween! It's my favorite holiday and I'm more than excited for today. A few of my friends invited me out and I am hoping to have some kind of fun tonight. I have been cooped up in the house for three weeks now so I am ready to have fun. It’s been a few months since I have done anything more so “adult” and “fun”. Other than working if you know what I mean haha. I am staying positive today. I am trying my best. I won’t be stuck in this condo for tonight and if I do I’m hoping to still dress up. My friend and I had planned this morning but he has a few things to do before we can do anything. Which is fine, I was hoping we could look for costumes or help me pick out one. If he can’t I know my girl gets off at two today and she’ll go with me and help me. I was hoping my mom would send me my old costumes so I could save money this year but she ended up not sending them because she thought I wasn’t going to be doing anything. I had planned to be with Alec and Kai, his son, but we all see how that went down. I hope he at least is still going with Kai. It’s alright though. I’ll just buy another one again and still have fun. This year I was hoping to be Harley Quinn but I don’t have a Joker anymore, so my friend hit me up wanting me to dress up as a playboy like her. Which I have no problem with. I haven’t felt pretty let alone sexy in a while so I think I could feel sexy for a night. Maybe a PowerPuff girl. So many different ideas to do. One of my guy friends is dressing up as the Tiger King. I thought that was hilarious. I can’t wait to see it. He has long hair too so I wonder if he's going to style it! 

I’m thinking I could be a cute alien or something, maybe a ringmaster. I don’t know. It seems like I haven’t kept up with what's new this year. Haha! Oh well. That just makes me feel almost better that I haven’t been up with this year. It wasn’t worth the bullcrap at all! Nowadays it seems like they aren’t really investing in making anything new, just going off of oldies and making newer versions. I mean I guess it’s not the worst but it’s almost like most people don’t want to work anymore or be creative. It is definitely a bummer but I guess it’s life. I’m honestly thinking about doing something DIY. Might as well do what people my age do anyways so what could it hurt to try? 

Don't stress.

 Today is October 30, 2020. Honestly, guys, being at home this long is making me depressed and stressed more so than before. I thought I would be healed already and back to work making money not having to worry about next month's rent already. Yea the Airbnb is going well but the two rooms I am renting out aren’t enough to pay the bills, just to help. And by all means, I am more than grateful for the guests. They have no idea how much they help me out. If it weren’t for them I wouldn’t have made rent. I want to work again and feel some type of normal. I can’t stress it enough. It really sucks to have to go through this process alone. To have all these things that need to be done but physically not being able to accomplish the little things is hard on the mental. You just see everything that needs to be done but hurt when you try to do them. Then on top of it, I get upset thinking about the other person who helped me make this little bean that didn’t make it, and how he isn’t affected by this whole thing. It’s not fair. When he was here I asked him to help me with a few small tasks and he couldn’t even do that. Granted it's the small things. He would tell me I could do it on my own and that used to make me sad. It hurts mentally that I know he thinks that this isn't that serious and I could go back to work and this, that, and the other. That I can just get over it because it’s gone now. He doesn’t understand the mental and physical changes I went through in that short time. He doesn’t understand the bond I had created within my body with this little bean. There was a little human growing inside my body, taking everything I did. I just got to keep going. I got this.