October 11th, 2020 - Before reading this, just know I was almost too scared to post this. This goes more into depth with that "relationship" and the things left unsaid.
Romance?
Today apparently I suck according to my partner. According to him all I do is irritate him with my love bites and tickles. I suck as a person because I get so fed up being degraded all the time so I lock myself away in my bedroom so I don't have to hear it anymore. Today I have locked myself in my bedroom three or four times today. I love only being just a piece of p*ssy to the male species. It feels so degrading and belittling. It's okay. I'll be fine. I know I'll be back on top. I can do this on my own. It is so funny because I am freaking 20 doing this shit on my own and these mother freakers can’t make it without being with a woman or mother to take care of them, it is pathetic. No matter the age either. It's so sad. Men my age are so entitled. They want everything handed to them. Men older than my 20-year-old arse have nothing but their mothers or someone to take care of them. As both of my exes, including my ex-husband, are all homeless and live off of people since I broke up with them. 28 years old and you'd think they'd be slightly different. Good god, they aren’t though. When do they really grow up? When do they really start to care? Does true love exist anymore? Does chivalry still exist? Do true “men” exist anymore? They all just run from their problems and impede on more to come. It is exhausting. I know I am over it. 100% FED UP.
I know the other day I saw all these photos of naked women on his phone and email. What the h*ll am I to think of this? I don't look like any of these girls that are in the photos. I don't wear makeup, I don't “dress up” all the time. Makes my self-image shatter to pieces once more. Women just love this right? Does one woman not satisfy a “man” anymore? Who raised these dogs? To just run around not wrapping up and knocking up every woman around but running when their names get attached to the DNA. Makes no sense. They feel as if it is their duty to run and choose whether or not they want to be part of its life. It is absolutely sickening, but us women have a choice? It is different when it is growing inside of a miraculous woman. Men couldn't handle a period let alone to grow another human inside of them for months. Oh man, and at the end of those 9 months, they wouldn't be able to give birth. Oh h*ll no they wouldn't. Lose their god-loving minds.
Another thing that really p*sses me off is the fact that he likes to play fight and let his ego get the best of him. Also, says he can beat up my father in a fistfight? Who the f*ck says that to their partner? What in his right mind makes him think he can do that let alone say that to me??! I hope he really doesn't think that because lord knows if it were to come down to it he wouldn't make it out alive. I say that in the nicest terms. It is like he doesn't care that I am pregnant and “forgets” and “accidentally” hits me in the stomach.
Being pregnant, everyone knows that the expecting mother needs to increase their food intake for the newly growing fetus. Well, he wasn’t the first to let me starve. They all have their different ways of doing this. My ex-husband would eat all of the food in the house right after I went grocery shopping and I had just lost my job due to stress from him, unable to focus at work, then he stole my money the rest that I had and he would spend it on food and beer for his boys. Like when will he come home and bring me food? Welp this one is different, he just takes what he wants out of my fridge and house whenever I am not home. Like that is f*cking insane. I am working my arse off for what? To get everything stolen from me? I don’t know where these boys come from but I am over the repetitive b*llsh*t time after time.
Today I found out I am miscarrying. Now things are getting better. He seems happier and less stressed. He has been working more. Got his membership at the gym again. He has been helping me get everything and carrying me and doing everything for me because I have been in enormous amounts of pain.
Lmao so now on October 18th, 2020 I am immature and I need to grow the fuck up because I texted his friend's wife to hang out with me when he had pissed me off the last weekend. He's been acting like he's going to hit me and keeps telling me how much he wants to punch me in the face. Then he slings his phone in my face like he was going to swing then tells me if I can't mature then we are done, I say okay to end the conversation and he walks away. Tells me that he can’t trust me and that it makes him sick how he helps pay my bills. Alright then go somewhere the f*ck else.
It's a few days from the 18th, and man has it only gotten worse. And it's funny he asks me why he stays here like I have the f*cking answer to that question?! I ask him the same thing when he's b*tching about how miserable he is. How many red flags I am, and how he’s tired of the b*llsh*t and that's why I always get cheated on because he says it's me who is always b*tching. I get tired of hearing how horrible I am, and if I'm this bad to bring the worst out of you, why be with me? Then his wife is on his arse now and she wants pictures of them kissing and embracing each other like they are in love and then he tells her she can post them to Instagram because he doesn't have one anymore. She's worried about him because he is with me because he's gone all the time. She calls him and goes “HEY BABY” who the f*ck does she think she's talking to? Then she tells him she's lonely and bored and misses him and he needs to come back to her house. Ummm… what?? Why is she so concerned? And why is she going even further with this “sharad”. Apparently, another thing is he says I can’t get mad about it because there's nothing going on? And that I knew about it since day one. Well, he didn't explain the part where I would have to “share” my “boyfriend” and look like this homewrecker and like I am some nasty, stupid b*tch. I don’t do things like that no matter how much I like a guy. It’s so wrong. I feel as if this should be a compromise that they can take pictures just without going further to “fake kissing and embracing”? I don't understand. But I don’t look like a fool being with a guy who clearly looks married to everyone else. Sure thing I don't Alec. NO! Of course, I do!!! I’m in the wrong about this whole thing, Alec says that if I can't get over that he has to kiss her for a picture then we are done. Welp, I am thinking that this is where it is headed. I can’t take feeling like I am not appreciated and like I am a fool for putting up with this b*llsh*t this long. Has no respect nor care about my feelings and what I have to say. I am over it!!!!!!
So yesterday was, October 22nd, 2020, and oh man Alec decided that he wanted to shove me for trying to help him move out. I am still going through this process of miscarrying and I have been emotionally everywhere. Alec had started an argument before he left for the gym in front of one of my Airbnb stayers. So I told him to just go work out and blow some steam and come back home. Well an hour later he comes home and he straight walks past me. When he came outside after he changed, I said “well hey”. He said “hey” with an attitude and rolled his eyes at me and proceeded to say “I’m tired of being gaslighted.” I said, “I’m sorry, how was the gym.” He goes and starts going on and on about how he can’t stand me and how he can’t stand being here. I told him “no one is stopping you from leaving, and if you feel this way then why stay here?” He says, “I’m moving out tomorrow.” I told him don’t wait till tomorrow, please leave today, I don’t want you here anymore if you feel that way. I will help you get your stuff out too.” He told me he wishes he could hit me and he would if I touched his belongings. Well I was on the edge of the bed and I scooped all of the clothes from the dresser and dropped them in a box and I looked up and he’s coming at me and he shoved me from the end of the bed, through the bathroom door and into the shower. I got up and walked out and called the police. He really started moving his things out quickly then. I told the dispatcher that he was trying to flee the scene as he usually did and that I didn’t know where the new apartment he’d be staying in was. Thankfully they arrived within minutes and he didn’t have time to leave like when he pushed my pregnant friend. I am still trying to wrap my head around this all. Yes, he did go to jail.
It’s October 23rd, 2020, and today I had to go to court for his initial hearing. Well, his bond is $1500 so I am hoping he doesn't get out anytime soon. It is highly probable that he will get out because of his family. He doesn’t have any money like usual. I pay for everything.
I am free. I am done.
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