Let’s get motivated!

 Today is November 28th, 2021, the day of the shoot. I’m honestly so unmotivated today it is unreal. I don’t want to get out of bed. I am not feeling it. I’m tired and drained. I don’t feel up for it. I just want to stay home and forget about it. Try another time. I just want to give it all up. Oh well, time to snap out of it, roll out of bed and into some nice clothes. I have a couple of places I want to go and shoot. I don’t even have enough time for it and honestly today is very gloomy. Hopefully by the end of the day it’ll get better. I already made sure it would be okay with the GM in charge if I could come in an hour later if I were to run late. I just knew I wouldn’t have woken up in time. It is what it is. I am usually late anyways so I am not surprised. Something’s I still need to work on. I know what I need to start preparing better and more so often and early for my shoots. I have to get better with time management too. They don’t always compromise. 

Give Thanks!

     It’s Thanksgiving today, November 25th, 2021! I’m thankful I get to write to you, I’m thankful I have a job, I am thankful for the things placed in my life for the better of me. I’m thankful I got to see another day.

    I worked today which totally drained me. I didn’t know what else to do. Then I got to get some very nice sleep. I am very excited for the next upcoming days. I am doing my best to stay positive. I honestly did not even feel like getting out of bed today. 

Pep Talk.

 Today’s just another ordinary day. It’s November 23, 2021, and today was the day for the interview. THE INTERVIEW. Oh my God, I have been freaking out super terribly bad about it all day. I’m more than positive I am worthy of the job, I have to stop being so hard on myself. The interview was short and sweet though. Couldn’t have asked for better. I’ve been wanting to get into Miller’s since I moved here and now I have one close to me but my friend also referred me to, that helped. I’m so excited. I hope to see an improvement in things, including my mental state. If I’m just being honest. Lately, I have been just surviving. It has been really hard for me. I want to just end it all quite frequently. So to say, the other day when I wrote, I was having a mental breakdown. I just needed to see what my thoughts were, literally. It helps me sort them out. I haven't been okay, but I hope you are. 

I’m trying to snap back. I’m back to the dishes, I still need to do my clothes, do my floors again, the list can go on. *super big sigh* Ughhhhh. Cleaning again? Ughhhhhhh. I’m just tired. Physically hurting. My bones ache. My muscles are sore. My back is beyond the burning pits of hell every couple of seconds. I’ll be fine. I just ignore it. On the bright side, I ate a lot of food today. I’m proud. I did that right. Not thanksgiving related, but a lot of food. Oh well. I had a pretty good day today with the delivery tips and normal shitty pay at that. Not bad if it was consistent. I guess that’s why God is finally answering my prayers. If anything I can work for a while to be consistent, save it all after I pay for his truck, my truck, and this speeding ticket, then maybe start getting car washes every day and move into an apartment. That’s the goal. My girl friend will be moving soon here. I cannot wait! Also my new bestie at work. Maybe there are a few things I can look forward to. I apologize if I happen to jump a lot from time to time. It is what it is. You’re loved and worth it. I promise.

"Guess who's back, back again."

 Alright, let’s get this show on the road. It’s November 21, 2021, and today I applied to Miller’s and I closed the restaurant today. It was actually an okay day. Everyone did their share. I had a couple stay later than their scheduled time. It was very nice. I was shocked. Literally, everything got done. I was even so proud, I put on our scheduling app that I thanked them and that I was more than proud. We stayed top-ranked the whole shift. Everything was perfect. I had more than enough help. The money was perfect, inventory was mint, I didn’t have to do a damn thing. Other than the makeline, I had to make sure everything got done. Agh, relief. I hope they see how well I am doing. 

Other than that, Miller’s I’m going to see if they have a moment to interview me. If not there, then probably other good local spots. Outback would be a breeze. Gator’s something up the road from me. Maybe another local breakfast joint to start my day early and get a good run in the morning and then transition to close Dominos at night, maybe a power nap in between. I have to get motivated sometimes. The small break, but more sleep was nice, but I guess back to the work hustle. One day things will turn up. I feel it coming soon. It’s deep in my heart. We have to keep going even if we are tired. Trust in the process. Be patient little one, be patient.

If you're ever feeling down..

 Here are some things I like to do to boost that serotonin, 

 Skating

           Singing

Dancing

Hanging out with some friends

Working out

Reading 

Cleaning, surprising or not!

 Art projects....

 Anything you name it. I know you might not like some of the things I do for fun, but you can always do what makes you happy! 

What are some of your hobbies? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ugh. Really?

 November 16th, 2021.

I cannot deal with today. My mental broke. I wanted to pack up all the shit in my house and pack it into my car and just leave my house. I wanted to quit my job. I feel like I’m busting my ass for nothing but pennies to the dollar. I feel so set back. I’m lost. I’m confused. What am I working for anymore? Are my efforts really going unnoticed again? Like wth!!

Yesterday, I was leaving for work and one of my roommates blocked me in. I totally missed it. Yo, I straight smacked his car, no, not car. His truck. He goes, “I hope you have insurance”. Wow. That’s the only thing I can say right now to that. Now either I pay out of pocket or have to make a claim and have my insurance skyrocket. I can barely afford the rent as it is. My pay decreased dramatically. I can’t believe it. I figured I would have caught up by now. It just seems I keep getting set back. If it’s not the super speeder tickets from trying to visit family, it’s another medical bill, or better yet, let me just smash into my roommate's truck.

 

It is what it is though, I am honestly contemplating whether to get another job. I am going to Miller’s Ale House tomorrow to try to sort some things out. I just cannot wrap my head around it. When I lost it at work, I just walked outside and sat in my car. I rolled up and smoked. 

I didn’t know what else to do. I needed to calm down to get back in there. I got this.

Recollected.

 Let’s bring it back to the present, it’s November 12th, 2021, and man. I am struggling. Mentally, physically, financially I am drained. I’ve been working so much, I have been neglecting my health and practically ignoring it. The number of hours I have been putting in hasn’t been helping financially. It sucks. I’ve been more than stressed. So, of course, you already know my needs are not met so you can imagine how my house looks right about now. A couple days ago would have been different. I did take a couple of days to actually complete it, but it was done. Back to the dishes, to the clothes, to the trash, all this room is clean. My bun buns are happy and that’s all that matters, right? 

    I’ve been okay the past couple of days, I can’t complain. The mess has started to pile up again. Only so much time in the day. I have to keep looking up though. No matter what. I know I get two days off this week, so I am excited. I don’t even know what to do with myself. 

Keep up!

     Today is just another normal day in life I guess. It is October 1st, 2021. I know it has been some time. I am sorry. I am trying my hardest to keep afloat lately. I know God’s got good plans for me. I feel it. I just gotta keep going, even when I am tired. I have been more than tired. It’s alright though. I may be back at the dishes once again but here I am doing them to get everything clean, and honestly, right now it's the floor! LOL! Leave me alone, I promise it will get done! I’ve been working on improving my skills at work and tolerating my anger. 

The more hard work I put in I have noticed the more hard work pays off. I know it will. I couldn’t be more thrilled with how far I have come. I am proud of myself and my accomplishments right now! I still serve at Waffle House! That's not new, but my training is! Also, I got another job at Dominos, and let me say. I GOT THE JOB, I COULDN'T BE MORE EXCITED!!! I now work there as an Assistant General Manager!! I am so proud! I have been working really hard! Honestly, for a second I thought I was going to lose my marbles all over again. I knew I was falling again and I didn't want to burn once more. 

So God has a funny way of speaking by the way! Be sure to listen and be aware of what he’s saying because trust me when I say this, I didn't think I’d ever let anything go, be able to have the level of patience as I do now, and much more. My anger, let’s just say I am still working on it. I have been learning to breathe, think, and be patient. I tell myself when I start thinking negatively with my anger,  It’s not worth the time. You’ve got bigger, better things. It would be better to kill them with kindness. That can’t hurt anyone.

The more I continue to grow, the more I receive in return. You reap what you sow. I am a firm believer in that. I believe we all can make a change! Just smile! I want to see all of your teeth! Haha! I got that from my mom. She used to say that when we were upset as kids. I also have learned not everyone can be pleased and even with spreading kindness, some people just won’t smile. Don’t let it bring you down though. Misery likes good company. Stay positive and true to yourself. That's the best thing you can do with situations like that. 

I believe I am being more positive and when I have bad thoughts, I ask God to help me figure out why I feel this way and the patience to hear his guidance to get through them and forget them. They are only bad thoughts coming from my head. My head. If I can’t get that straight now it could cause issues later. I gotta work hard each and every day on it though. Each and all of my relationships with family, coworkers, employees, peers, my neighbors. We all go through things, why not smile and leave the negative behind! It’s a new day. Could be the beginning of change!

Distracted.

     Today is May 5th, 2021, and man has it been some time. I apologize I haven’t been writing. I’ve been distracted and not focused on me really. That’s okay though. Sometimes we all lose sight of ourselves. Man it is not good either. The devil and his temptations are everywhere disguised as an angel. I promise. We forget how good it tastes to be a sinner. I just need to cut my ties and be completely free. I am better that way. I work twice as hard but I never rest. I am just constantly on go go go mode it seems. It’s that I use work to distract myself and I never heal. That has been my only downfall. I need to keep telling myself that  “Nothing is going to change unless I make a change.” Whether that be completely taking myself from the relationship game or it be to change me. I feel like if I need to change myself though, I have got to heal, learn, love, forgive, and forget some things. When will we learn whether we are getting all of those things reciprocated back? What vibes we give off, we attract. I have given in. I have been wrong. Lord, I love you, please forgive me.

Bringing it back from the beginning.

    Today is January 7th, 2021 and man has this world been crazy already haha! I just have come to think that this is all just a joke anyway so I don’t even pay attention to it. I don’t need it draining me anyways. Man has it been crazy in my personal life for a good minute. The condo and the drama only got worse. I figured they would figure it out but no, David punched Leeann, his ex in the face mind you, she’s around the age of 20 and he’s in his 40’s. All kinds of crap went down that night. I wasn’t even home for the love of God. I’m like this makes no sense. Why is he punching people, because he punched one of the other people in the condo? So I am moving out since they want to increase rent anyways. I’m not even gonna stress it. I am in a place for $600 mind you, it’s not my own anymore but I am in a safe environment. I can start my life anew again and not have to stress about rent or anything. I am about to get a car again. I am so excited. I have been working up to saving some money. I have been really depressed the last few weeks. I kinda quit eating for about a week. Lost all about 5lbs. Now it’s time for a change. 

I now can physically see how much my depression affects me. It makes me so sad and angry on the inside because I actually put up with things I shouldn’t have to. I made the change. Changed my whole environment once more. I think this place is way better. I can still play my music. I can blog in peace. I can eat and the place stays clean. I can still smoke. Man, it's crazy how fast life can change in a day. I want to eat again. I ate last night and I drank a protein shake this morning. There is an open gym at my new apartment that is actually open. I can use the pool. If I really wanted to get away and blog in super peace they have a study area. They are newer apartments and the owner has this one decorated really nicely. I know I haven’t blogged in a good minute but I have been dissociated with life more or less. Well, my life anyways. I apologize. I am starting to get the things I want again, let's just say, Dante… :) for starters. Also a stable home, and a reliable car. Man am I so happy. It’s like we got our little family back together. Kiki, Puddin, Him, and I. I’ve been thinking and wishing that he would come back. He was the nicest man I have ever dated. We made each other feel loved. Took things slow. We moved in together and started building though rather quickly. We had each other's backs for sure. We did all kinds of different projects together. We have played together since he was a gamer. He bought a controller for me to connect to his computer so we could play together. He wanted to invest in trading together. He would ask for daily pointers and things. He made sure I ate. Made sure I had everything I wanted and needed. Pushed me to be the blogger I want to be. Helped me fix my hair and makes me get my nails done when I tell him I want to save, he tells me he gave me money. Pushed me to go out and model. Take pictures of me so I promote him. We feed and nurture each other. We take care of each other and support each other. 

Boy have I missed my stable old life. I missed him. I missed our old apartment. We are in a newer one now. The way we used to be with each other. I missed how we would talk about our future. I feel much better now. I feel this year is going to be life-changing for me.

WOOOOHOOO!

Today is November 23, 2020, and my baby competed! He got the holeshot and got out there. At the first corner, he was in 6th place and the cameras were watching him the whole time. He was on TV! I was so proud of him. He did great. Tomorrow we have another race I believe. I have been having so much fun I failed to realize I might have to go home tomorrow. Breaks my heart but I guess it is time to go to work and make some money. Time has been flying by. I can’t believe it has been three days here already. I have been more than happy that God blessed me with this vacation. I really needed it. I have been able to relax and not worry about anything. I haven't needed to smoke my lungs out being so stressed. I haven’t smoked once before. That is insane for me. Y’all already know. 

I actually slept well and got some decent sleep. My boy got a couple of drinks for the hotel and had fun last night. We watched his son work out in the gym when we were out eating dinner by the pool. I’ve been patient even though normally I would have lost it with a couple of things. Did my best to stay positive and I have been doing amazing. I have been having so much fun. Just relaxing and helping out the best I can with everything for my boy. 

Family ties.

     Today is November 21st, 2020 and it’s been a good day. Lately, I haven’t been the best but we keep pushing on and keep moving forward with everything. I have just been trying to work and keep positive but honestly, it’s been a struggle. I have people in my house for the long term and don’t get me wrong I love them to death but I have no time to myself. It’s been driving me insane. I haven’t been able to blog or report my day between working and helping everyone in the house with all the things they want me to help with, like filling out applications, finding things to do, people to meet, dealing with the drama in between the roommates. From the time I open my eyes in the morning, they are calling and texting me, and then they want to chat and catch up. Then I deal with the drama part with the “so and so just cooks and leaves the place a mess and I am always cleaning it up blah blah blah” you know?  I’m over it. I am mentally drained. I am more than tired. 

I am going to Gainesville for a motocross race for my friend and his son. They are my whole heart. So I can finally relax and have fun for a few days. I’ve been needing this break for a minute now and I believe is well worth it. I have been having a freaking blast going and watching all the kids and older kids riding their hearts out having fun. One thing that I loved seeing was if one person fell off their bike in the middle of practice or just riding the pit bike track for some fun for everyone racing or not, everyone would help each other out and pick up whoever and make sure the person was okay. It was so sweet. Very nice kids and families. We even brought the dog and she had so much fun. They just practiced today, but what made me upset was the fact that all the older kids and such went first, and then it started raining when the p dubs, the smaller bikes, started going so they cut their practice on the actual track short. So my Punkin couldn’t get his confidence up like we wanted but hey, he still got his holeshot though and we are proud.