Once again, I feel alone.

 Today is October 20, 2020, and yesterday I went to the doctor for a checkup to make sure everything was making its way out okay. It has been a week and man has it been horrific. Blood clots, tissue, and more blood. Pain, pain, pain, and did I forget to mention the pain? I’m telling you it sucked so bad. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Anyways, the doctors told me that I had to redo this whole process because not everything came out the first time. When my doctor told me that I just started crying. There is no more sac, she left early.. But there was still more tissue and more blood that's going to come. So I have to take this medication again but this time he gave me some better medication for pain. I at least have that to hopefully make it a little better. 

This whole process sucks. You have to go through mental pain and physical pain. Having to completely get over the fact you were growing and doing everything perfect for this little baby to grow strong and healthy, just for it to not be “my time” to have a baby. Well, I bought a new condo, started two jobs, and already bought a baby toy, told everyone at work, got so excited about its arrival. Just to be let down by hearing, “Your baby has no heartbeat” and it hits me all at once. When I am physically hurting it makes me think why me? Why can’t I just have at least one? Why does it seem like God hates me? And when that pain comes physically it all comes crashing down again. Those questions come to mind..

I know another thing is my emotions going insane. I feel like I can’t trust no one. I have nowhere to run, or no one to talk to. It's hurtful. To find out who your real friends are or think that they were never real friends.. Is it all because of him? I had a few friends telling me to leave him because he is manipulative, and a control freak, and when I don’t abide by what he says he gets so mad and acts as if he wants to hurt me. For what? Thinks he's God almighty himself and thinks I need him. Tell me how I need him but he lives with me? He needs me to pay for groceries for him, and sometimes his car's gas, as well as food that he was supposed to buy for us. Oh then we got started on the whole green deal, I got stuck paying for it because he didn’t have any money when I was pregnant. You already know what they say, “I need it”. Oh okay.

No longer do I have to do this for him or us anymore. It was just me. So let me say some days are better than others. Don’t ever let anyone drain you either. It’s not fair to anyone but the abuser. I was learning though. We all are. Don’t let anyone think you’re crazy either. Chances are, your mind is going to make you feel those ways but knows you’re feeling it because of your surroundings. Your body speaks a lot, you just have to listen. Also, if something doesn’t feel right, go with your gut. It’ll save a lot of time and headaches.