A throwback to when I lost it all.. Realized my calling.

 Today is October 10th, 2020 and to be quite frank I know this year has not given us people on Earth a break. This year so far has only made my mental illness more off the charts but more importantly, I am experiencing something I wouldn’t wish on another. I have gone to quite a few doctor's appointments because I finally conceived! I didn't think my body was able and honestly, I have been trying for a while since I was with my ex-husband. Just like the last ones, this one I had received some bad news for my newly growing fetus, the doctor had explained to me that I have a 5% chance of this being a full-term pregnancy. I have been devastated since. It’s only been a few days and in two more days, I’ll have my answer. I have another sonogram and a doctor's appointment following. I got blood work finally done like I've been wanting since the beginning of this pregnancy. Man did they not want to give me one! With the previous miscarriages this time they had to see if there is something with the blood type of the fetus and myself or something else underlying to make sure my body itself isn't attacking the newly growing fetus. 

I know my mind is a million places right now and the hardest part is to stay positive. The baby’s father is in and out of my life. He pretends he cares for us but I can just see right through him it seems. When he can't get what he wants he loses his mind and gets upset and throws a fit like a little girl! I cannot stand it! I am honestly to the point where I have gotten another job because if this happens to be a full-term pregnancy I know he’s probably not going to be there when she’s born. Praying that I have a little girl! It’s just back and forth with him and he's just a ball of problems it seems. When everything is good though things are perfect. Makes absolutely no sense. The other day one of my friends from back home messaged me and another person did as well, one messaged “hey lil ma” and the other I believe it was “hey bby” like I don't get that from random people on the regular anyway. Well to prove my loyalty my phone was handed to him to read the nonexisting conversations and he made me delete my social media. ALL OF IT. Alright whatever, he’s going to delete his too. Well, the very next day he had reinstalled the messenger app. What for? I'm not too sure. But I do know that after I saw that it was removed once more and then the following day after that I found pictures of naked ladies all in his photos from messenger. What in the world! All in the middle of everything going on but of course, the pictures are “old”. Mhmm makes you wonder right? 

On top of trying to stay positive and not doing research on the bad things going on instead, I decided to finally throw away the boxes and put up my clothes in the bedroom of my new home. Three bedrooms, two bathrooms. Did I tell you guys I was excited?! Haha! It looks definitely like a home now. My room is adorable! My little rabbits love it here, they run all over the place. I know my little one growing in my belly will love it as well. Plenty of room to run around and be happy and safe at home. Home-cooked meals and at-home play dates are always the best way to nurture the little one in times like these. Covid is still a big subject to the American people and other countries in the world. I would have never imagined life being this way with the masks and constant hysteria in 2020. This was supposed to be my year according to my astrology charts. Yes, I do look into astrology at times. We all need a little faith. It helps me get through sometimes. I have made a dreamcatcher that is hanging up on my wall and I swear no matter where I move it brings me peace and brings the whole space together making it “home” to me.