Let’s get motivated!

 Today is November 28th, 2021, the day of the shoot. I’m honestly so unmotivated today it is unreal. I don’t want to get out of bed. I am not feeling it. I’m tired and drained. I don’t feel up for it. I just want to stay home and forget about it. Try another time. I just want to give it all up. Oh well, time to snap out of it, roll out of bed and into some nice clothes. I have a couple of places I want to go and shoot. I don’t even have enough time for it and honestly today is very gloomy. Hopefully by the end of the day it’ll get better. I already made sure it would be okay with the GM in charge if I could come in an hour later if I were to run late. I just knew I wouldn’t have woken up in time. It is what it is. I am usually late anyways so I am not surprised. Something’s I still need to work on. I know what I need to start preparing better and more so often and early for my shoots. I have to get better with time management too. They don’t always compromise. 

Give Thanks!

     It’s Thanksgiving today, November 25th, 2021! I’m thankful I get to write to you, I’m thankful I have a job, I am thankful for the things placed in my life for the better of me. I’m thankful I got to see another day.

    I worked today which totally drained me. I didn’t know what else to do. Then I got to get some very nice sleep. I am very excited for the next upcoming days. I am doing my best to stay positive. I honestly did not even feel like getting out of bed today. 

Pep Talk.

 Today’s just another ordinary day. It’s November 23, 2021, and today was the day for the interview. THE INTERVIEW. Oh my God, I have been freaking out super terribly bad about it all day. I’m more than positive I am worthy of the job, I have to stop being so hard on myself. The interview was short and sweet though. Couldn’t have asked for better. I’ve been wanting to get into Miller’s since I moved here and now I have one close to me but my friend also referred me to, that helped. I’m so excited. I hope to see an improvement in things, including my mental state. If I’m just being honest. Lately, I have been just surviving. It has been really hard for me. I want to just end it all quite frequently. So to say, the other day when I wrote, I was having a mental breakdown. I just needed to see what my thoughts were, literally. It helps me sort them out. I haven't been okay, but I hope you are. 

I’m trying to snap back. I’m back to the dishes, I still need to do my clothes, do my floors again, the list can go on. *super big sigh* Ughhhhh. Cleaning again? Ughhhhhhh. I’m just tired. Physically hurting. My bones ache. My muscles are sore. My back is beyond the burning pits of hell every couple of seconds. I’ll be fine. I just ignore it. On the bright side, I ate a lot of food today. I’m proud. I did that right. Not thanksgiving related, but a lot of food. Oh well. I had a pretty good day today with the delivery tips and normal shitty pay at that. Not bad if it was consistent. I guess that’s why God is finally answering my prayers. If anything I can work for a while to be consistent, save it all after I pay for his truck, my truck, and this speeding ticket, then maybe start getting car washes every day and move into an apartment. That’s the goal. My girl friend will be moving soon here. I cannot wait! Also my new bestie at work. Maybe there are a few things I can look forward to. I apologize if I happen to jump a lot from time to time. It is what it is. You’re loved and worth it. I promise.

"Guess who's back, back again."

 Alright, let’s get this show on the road. It’s November 21, 2021, and today I applied to Miller’s and I closed the restaurant today. It was actually an okay day. Everyone did their share. I had a couple stay later than their scheduled time. It was very nice. I was shocked. Literally, everything got done. I was even so proud, I put on our scheduling app that I thanked them and that I was more than proud. We stayed top-ranked the whole shift. Everything was perfect. I had more than enough help. The money was perfect, inventory was mint, I didn’t have to do a damn thing. Other than the makeline, I had to make sure everything got done. Agh, relief. I hope they see how well I am doing. 

Other than that, Miller’s I’m going to see if they have a moment to interview me. If not there, then probably other good local spots. Outback would be a breeze. Gator’s something up the road from me. Maybe another local breakfast joint to start my day early and get a good run in the morning and then transition to close Dominos at night, maybe a power nap in between. I have to get motivated sometimes. The small break, but more sleep was nice, but I guess back to the work hustle. One day things will turn up. I feel it coming soon. It’s deep in my heart. We have to keep going even if we are tired. Trust in the process. Be patient little one, be patient.

If you're ever feeling down..

 Here are some things I like to do to boost that serotonin, 

 Skating

           Singing

Dancing

Hanging out with some friends

Working out

Reading 

Cleaning, surprising or not!

 Art projects....

 Anything you name it. I know you might not like some of the things I do for fun, but you can always do what makes you happy! 

What are some of your hobbies? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ugh. Really?

 November 16th, 2021.

I cannot deal with today. My mental broke. I wanted to pack up all the shit in my house and pack it into my car and just leave my house. I wanted to quit my job. I feel like I’m busting my ass for nothing but pennies to the dollar. I feel so set back. I’m lost. I’m confused. What am I working for anymore? Are my efforts really going unnoticed again? Like wth!!

Yesterday, I was leaving for work and one of my roommates blocked me in. I totally missed it. Yo, I straight smacked his car, no, not car. His truck. He goes, “I hope you have insurance”. Wow. That’s the only thing I can say right now to that. Now either I pay out of pocket or have to make a claim and have my insurance skyrocket. I can barely afford the rent as it is. My pay decreased dramatically. I can’t believe it. I figured I would have caught up by now. It just seems I keep getting set back. If it’s not the super speeder tickets from trying to visit family, it’s another medical bill, or better yet, let me just smash into my roommate's truck.

 

It is what it is though, I am honestly contemplating whether to get another job. I am going to Miller’s Ale House tomorrow to try to sort some things out. I just cannot wrap my head around it. When I lost it at work, I just walked outside and sat in my car. I rolled up and smoked. 

I didn’t know what else to do. I needed to calm down to get back in there. I got this.

Recollected.

 Let’s bring it back to the present, it’s November 12th, 2021, and man. I am struggling. Mentally, physically, financially I am drained. I’ve been working so much, I have been neglecting my health and practically ignoring it. The number of hours I have been putting in hasn’t been helping financially. It sucks. I’ve been more than stressed. So, of course, you already know my needs are not met so you can imagine how my house looks right about now. A couple days ago would have been different. I did take a couple of days to actually complete it, but it was done. Back to the dishes, to the clothes, to the trash, all this room is clean. My bun buns are happy and that’s all that matters, right? 

    I’ve been okay the past couple of days, I can’t complain. The mess has started to pile up again. Only so much time in the day. I have to keep looking up though. No matter what. I know I get two days off this week, so I am excited. I don’t even know what to do with myself. 

Keep up!

     Today is just another normal day in life I guess. It is October 1st, 2021. I know it has been some time. I am sorry. I am trying my hardest to keep afloat lately. I know God’s got good plans for me. I feel it. I just gotta keep going, even when I am tired. I have been more than tired. It’s alright though. I may be back at the dishes once again but here I am doing them to get everything clean, and honestly, right now it's the floor! LOL! Leave me alone, I promise it will get done! I’ve been working on improving my skills at work and tolerating my anger. 

The more hard work I put in I have noticed the more hard work pays off. I know it will. I couldn’t be more thrilled with how far I have come. I am proud of myself and my accomplishments right now! I still serve at Waffle House! That's not new, but my training is! Also, I got another job at Dominos, and let me say. I GOT THE JOB, I COULDN'T BE MORE EXCITED!!! I now work there as an Assistant General Manager!! I am so proud! I have been working really hard! Honestly, for a second I thought I was going to lose my marbles all over again. I knew I was falling again and I didn't want to burn once more. 

So God has a funny way of speaking by the way! Be sure to listen and be aware of what he’s saying because trust me when I say this, I didn't think I’d ever let anything go, be able to have the level of patience as I do now, and much more. My anger, let’s just say I am still working on it. I have been learning to breathe, think, and be patient. I tell myself when I start thinking negatively with my anger,  It’s not worth the time. You’ve got bigger, better things. It would be better to kill them with kindness. That can’t hurt anyone.

The more I continue to grow, the more I receive in return. You reap what you sow. I am a firm believer in that. I believe we all can make a change! Just smile! I want to see all of your teeth! Haha! I got that from my mom. She used to say that when we were upset as kids. I also have learned not everyone can be pleased and even with spreading kindness, some people just won’t smile. Don’t let it bring you down though. Misery likes good company. Stay positive and true to yourself. That's the best thing you can do with situations like that. 

I believe I am being more positive and when I have bad thoughts, I ask God to help me figure out why I feel this way and the patience to hear his guidance to get through them and forget them. They are only bad thoughts coming from my head. My head. If I can’t get that straight now it could cause issues later. I gotta work hard each and every day on it though. Each and all of my relationships with family, coworkers, employees, peers, my neighbors. We all go through things, why not smile and leave the negative behind! It’s a new day. Could be the beginning of change!

Distracted.

     Today is May 5th, 2021, and man has it been some time. I apologize I haven’t been writing. I’ve been distracted and not focused on me really. That’s okay though. Sometimes we all lose sight of ourselves. Man it is not good either. The devil and his temptations are everywhere disguised as an angel. I promise. We forget how good it tastes to be a sinner. I just need to cut my ties and be completely free. I am better that way. I work twice as hard but I never rest. I am just constantly on go go go mode it seems. It’s that I use work to distract myself and I never heal. That has been my only downfall. I need to keep telling myself that  “Nothing is going to change unless I make a change.” Whether that be completely taking myself from the relationship game or it be to change me. I feel like if I need to change myself though, I have got to heal, learn, love, forgive, and forget some things. When will we learn whether we are getting all of those things reciprocated back? What vibes we give off, we attract. I have given in. I have been wrong. Lord, I love you, please forgive me.

Bringing it back from the beginning.

    Today is January 7th, 2021 and man has this world been crazy already haha! I just have come to think that this is all just a joke anyway so I don’t even pay attention to it. I don’t need it draining me anyways. Man has it been crazy in my personal life for a good minute. The condo and the drama only got worse. I figured they would figure it out but no, David punched Leeann, his ex in the face mind you, she’s around the age of 20 and he’s in his 40’s. All kinds of crap went down that night. I wasn’t even home for the love of God. I’m like this makes no sense. Why is he punching people, because he punched one of the other people in the condo? So I am moving out since they want to increase rent anyways. I’m not even gonna stress it. I am in a place for $600 mind you, it’s not my own anymore but I am in a safe environment. I can start my life anew again and not have to stress about rent or anything. I am about to get a car again. I am so excited. I have been working up to saving some money. I have been really depressed the last few weeks. I kinda quit eating for about a week. Lost all about 5lbs. Now it’s time for a change. 

I now can physically see how much my depression affects me. It makes me so sad and angry on the inside because I actually put up with things I shouldn’t have to. I made the change. Changed my whole environment once more. I think this place is way better. I can still play my music. I can blog in peace. I can eat and the place stays clean. I can still smoke. Man, it's crazy how fast life can change in a day. I want to eat again. I ate last night and I drank a protein shake this morning. There is an open gym at my new apartment that is actually open. I can use the pool. If I really wanted to get away and blog in super peace they have a study area. They are newer apartments and the owner has this one decorated really nicely. I know I haven’t blogged in a good minute but I have been dissociated with life more or less. Well, my life anyways. I apologize. I am starting to get the things I want again, let's just say, Dante… :) for starters. Also a stable home, and a reliable car. Man am I so happy. It’s like we got our little family back together. Kiki, Puddin, Him, and I. I’ve been thinking and wishing that he would come back. He was the nicest man I have ever dated. We made each other feel loved. Took things slow. We moved in together and started building though rather quickly. We had each other's backs for sure. We did all kinds of different projects together. We have played together since he was a gamer. He bought a controller for me to connect to his computer so we could play together. He wanted to invest in trading together. He would ask for daily pointers and things. He made sure I ate. Made sure I had everything I wanted and needed. Pushed me to be the blogger I want to be. Helped me fix my hair and makes me get my nails done when I tell him I want to save, he tells me he gave me money. Pushed me to go out and model. Take pictures of me so I promote him. We feed and nurture each other. We take care of each other and support each other. 

Boy have I missed my stable old life. I missed him. I missed our old apartment. We are in a newer one now. The way we used to be with each other. I missed how we would talk about our future. I feel much better now. I feel this year is going to be life-changing for me.

WOOOOHOOO!

Today is November 23, 2020, and my baby competed! He got the holeshot and got out there. At the first corner, he was in 6th place and the cameras were watching him the whole time. He was on TV! I was so proud of him. He did great. Tomorrow we have another race I believe. I have been having so much fun I failed to realize I might have to go home tomorrow. Breaks my heart but I guess it is time to go to work and make some money. Time has been flying by. I can’t believe it has been three days here already. I have been more than happy that God blessed me with this vacation. I really needed it. I have been able to relax and not worry about anything. I haven't needed to smoke my lungs out being so stressed. I haven’t smoked once before. That is insane for me. Y’all already know. 

I actually slept well and got some decent sleep. My boy got a couple of drinks for the hotel and had fun last night. We watched his son work out in the gym when we were out eating dinner by the pool. I’ve been patient even though normally I would have lost it with a couple of things. Did my best to stay positive and I have been doing amazing. I have been having so much fun. Just relaxing and helping out the best I can with everything for my boy. 

Family ties.

     Today is November 21st, 2020 and it’s been a good day. Lately, I haven’t been the best but we keep pushing on and keep moving forward with everything. I have just been trying to work and keep positive but honestly, it’s been a struggle. I have people in my house for the long term and don’t get me wrong I love them to death but I have no time to myself. It’s been driving me insane. I haven’t been able to blog or report my day between working and helping everyone in the house with all the things they want me to help with, like filling out applications, finding things to do, people to meet, dealing with the drama in between the roommates. From the time I open my eyes in the morning, they are calling and texting me, and then they want to chat and catch up. Then I deal with the drama part with the “so and so just cooks and leaves the place a mess and I am always cleaning it up blah blah blah” you know?  I’m over it. I am mentally drained. I am more than tired. 

I am going to Gainesville for a motocross race for my friend and his son. They are my whole heart. So I can finally relax and have fun for a few days. I’ve been needing this break for a minute now and I believe is well worth it. I have been having a freaking blast going and watching all the kids and older kids riding their hearts out having fun. One thing that I loved seeing was if one person fell off their bike in the middle of practice or just riding the pit bike track for some fun for everyone racing or not, everyone would help each other out and pick up whoever and make sure the person was okay. It was so sweet. Very nice kids and families. We even brought the dog and she had so much fun. They just practiced today, but what made me upset was the fact that all the older kids and such went first, and then it started raining when the p dubs, the smaller bikes, started going so they cut their practice on the actual track short. So my Punkin couldn’t get his confidence up like we wanted but hey, he still got his holeshot though and we are proud.

Short and Sweet.

 Today is November 16th, 2020. Man it’s the last day of restriction from work with this flu and I am excited to go back to work. Airbnb is still going well. I am a superhost! Meaning now I get money in credits to stay anywhere. My room gets featured in ads, public sites, and things of the sort. To keep super host status I have to meet a certain criteria: maintain a 4.8+ star rating, have a response rate of at least to 80% but I can’t remember honestly, also so many stays within the three month period. I am so proud of myself. 

"Getting Down with the Sickness"

 Today is November 11th, 2020 and I’m sure yall could have guessed but I went to the doctor today because I haven’t been feeling well. Feels like I have strep throat. Turns out that's a negative so they tested me for Covid. Man am I upset. I have only been back to work for a week and now I’m off again for god knows how long. This is really taking a toll on me. I was more than happy to be out and feeling normal for a week and now I feel so sick. I spent $150 on medication for this crap! That is insane! Never have I ever spent so much money on medications that feel like they don’t work. I have all kinds of vitamins and other z packs and they gave me all kinds of stuff. The medication literally makes me throw up every time I take it. The doctors also told me I have to eat a lot of food and drink plenty of liquids but I just throw it up every time I try to get something down. 

A few days past the 11th, I am still sick. I still feel like crap. My old neighbor, I believe I got him sick. So, we are hanging out here at my place feeling like crap together. 

Letting go

 What do you do to "let go"?

 What is "letting go", to you?

I would love to see some of you guys' thoughts on things, don't be shy! 

Keep pushing.

     Today is November 2, 2020, and I can go back to work finally. That's one thing that is positive. Honestly though, on the inside, I'm losing it. I am more than stressed about money this month since I had none saved from last month with everything falling out the way it did. So I had to start from square one again and I’ve been trying my best to get back on my feet and not stress. I went out with some friends and had a fun night. I tried to cry a bit to help let it out. It helped. Tried cleaning up a bit to relieve some stress. It was not a good day. That's okay though. Baby steps.

Refreshing.

 Today is November 1, 2020, and yesterday I had a good day. It turned out completely backward but it was fine. I still got to see basically everyone. I know I was thinking my girl would be off of work sooner than she was, then she brought my other girlfriend over with her baby and we had a blast. I was thinking I was going to hang out with my friend before that but it ended up being all together hah! I was alone the majority of the day. My old neighbor came over too late last night to burn. Earlier though after my guy friend had left, we girls went to the store and then to Party City for my costume literally right before they closed. Man, it was so empty in there I haven’t personally ever seen so many empty racks and shelves, it was insane. I didn’t hang out anywhere but my house but at least for a few hours I got to dress up. That’s honestly what I was concerned about. It’s my favorite holiday so I'll be d*mned if I don't dress up. 

I ended up going with a simple alien. Definitely a DIY costume. It wasn’t the best but it wasn’t the worst either. I had gotten a holographic headband, earrings, choker, and a skirt. I used a plain white t-shirt for the top piece. I didn’t have all of the supplies that I would have liked to have so I made do. I just tied a knot in the front and tucked the rest. I had gotten this body paint I wanted to use and I wanted to cut up the shirt but I didn’t have any scissors which sucked but it’s fine. It still looked decent and I dressed up so we are staying positive and sticking with that. Today, my girlfriend and her son were staying over and we hung out until like two, and then she had to get clothes and wait for my other girlfriend to get off of work to catch a ride to my condo. That took longer than expected honestly and I got lonely and started cleaning! Hey, I finally cleaned out my rabbit cage, it was a few days overdue. Forgive me. I’m back to the dishes, haha. Hey, I got it done though and I feel proud. I haven’t done much in three weeks. 

It’s definitely another start. 

The unsaid and left on read.

October 11th, 2020 - Before reading this, just know I was almost too scared to post this. This goes more into depth with that "relationship" and the things left unsaid.

Romance?

Today apparently I suck according to my partner. According to him all I do is irritate him with my love bites and tickles. I suck as a person because I get so fed up being degraded all the time so I lock myself away in my bedroom so I don't have to hear it anymore. Today I have locked myself in my bedroom three or four times today. I love only being just a piece of p*ssy to the male species. It feels so degrading and belittling. It's okay. I'll be fine. I know I'll be back on top. I can do this on my own. It is so funny because I am freaking 20 doing this shit on my own and these mother freakers can’t make it without being with a woman or mother to take care of them, it is pathetic. No matter the age either. It's so sad. Men my age are so entitled. They want everything handed to them. Men older than my 20-year-old arse have nothing but their mothers or someone to take care of them. As both of my exes, including my ex-husband, are all homeless and live off of people since I broke up with them. 28 years old and you'd think they'd be slightly different. Good god, they aren’t though. When do they really grow up? When do they really start to care? Does true love exist anymore? Does chivalry still exist? Do true “men” exist anymore? They all just run from their problems and impede on more to come. It is exhausting. I know I am over it. 100% FED UP.

I know the other day I saw all these photos of naked women on his phone and email. What the h*ll am I to think of this? I don't look like any of these girls that are in the photos. I don't wear makeup, I don't “dress up” all the time. Makes my self-image shatter to pieces once more. Women just love this right? Does one woman not satisfy a “man” anymore? Who raised these dogs? To just run around not wrapping up and knocking up every woman around but running when their names get attached to the DNA. Makes no sense. They feel as if it is their duty to run and choose whether or not they want to be part of its life. It is absolutely sickening, but us women have a choice? It is different when it is growing inside of a miraculous woman. Men couldn't handle a period let alone to grow another human inside of them for months. Oh man, and at the end of those 9 months, they wouldn't be able to give birth. Oh h*ll no they wouldn't. Lose their god-loving minds. 

Another thing that really p*sses me off is the fact that he likes to play fight and let his ego get the best of him. Also, says he can beat up my father in a fistfight? Who the f*ck says that to their partner? What in his right mind makes him think he can do that let alone say that to me??! I hope he really doesn't think that because lord knows if it were to come down to it he wouldn't make it out alive. I say that in the nicest terms. It is like he doesn't care that I am pregnant and “forgets” and “accidentally” hits me in the stomach. 

Being pregnant, everyone knows that the expecting mother needs to increase their food intake for the newly growing fetus. Well, he wasn’t the first to let me starve. They all have their different ways of doing this. My ex-husband would eat all of the food in the house right after I went grocery shopping and I had just lost my job due to stress from him, unable to focus at work, then he stole my money the rest that I had and he would spend it on food and beer for his boys. Like when will he come home and bring me food? Welp this one is different, he just takes what he wants out of my fridge and house whenever I am not home. Like that is f*cking insane. I am working my arse off for what? To get everything stolen from me? I don’t know where these boys come from but I am over the repetitive b*llsh*t time after time. 

Today I found out I am miscarrying. Now things are getting better. He seems happier and less stressed. He has been working more. Got his membership at the gym again. He has been helping me get everything and carrying me and doing everything for me because I have been in enormous amounts of pain. 

Lmao so now on October 18th, 2020 I am immature and I need to grow the fuck up because I texted his friend's wife to hang out with me when he had pissed me off the last weekend. He's been acting like he's going to hit me and keeps telling me how much he wants to punch me in the face. Then he slings his phone in my face like he was going to swing then tells me if I can't mature then we are done, I say okay to end the conversation and he walks away. Tells me that he can’t trust me and that it makes him sick how he helps pay my bills. Alright then go somewhere the f*ck else.

It's a few days from the 18th, and man has it only gotten worse. And it's funny he asks me why he stays here like I have the f*cking answer to that question?! I ask him the same thing when he's b*tching about how miserable he is. How many red flags I am, and how he’s tired of the b*llsh*t and that's why I always get cheated on because he says it's me who is always b*tching. I get tired of hearing how horrible I am, and if I'm this bad to bring the worst out of you, why be with me? Then his wife is on his arse now and she wants pictures of them kissing and embracing each other like they are in love and then he tells her she can post them to Instagram because he doesn't have one anymore. She's worried about him because he is with me because he's gone all the time. She calls him and goes “HEY BABY” who the f*ck does she think she's talking to? Then she tells him she's lonely and bored and misses him and he needs to come back to her house. Ummm… what??  Why is she so concerned? And why is she going even further with this “sharad”. Apparently, another thing is he says I can’t get mad about it because there's nothing going on? And that I knew about it since day one. Well, he didn't explain the part where I would have to “share” my “boyfriend” and look like this homewrecker and like I am some nasty, stupid b*tch. I don’t do things like that no matter how much I like a guy. It’s so wrong. I feel as if this should be a compromise that they can take pictures just without going further to “fake kissing and embracing”? I don't understand. But I don’t look like a fool being with a guy who clearly looks married to everyone else. Sure thing I don't Alec. NO! Of course, I do!!! I’m in the wrong about this whole thing, Alec says that if I can't get over that he has to kiss her for a picture then we are done. Welp, I am thinking that this is where it is headed. I can’t take feeling like I am not appreciated and like I am a fool for putting up with this b*llsh*t this long. Has no respect nor care about my feelings and what I have to say. I am over it!!!!!! 

So yesterday was, October 22nd, 2020, and oh man Alec decided that he wanted to shove me for trying to help him move out. I am still going through this process of miscarrying and I have been emotionally everywhere. Alec had started an argument before he left for the gym in front of one of my Airbnb stayers. So I told him to just go work out and blow some steam and come back home. Well an hour later he comes home and he straight walks past me. When he came outside after he changed, I said “well hey”. He said “hey” with an attitude and rolled his eyes at me and proceeded to say “I’m tired of being gaslighted.” I said, “I’m sorry, how was the gym.” He goes and starts going on and on about how he can’t stand me and how he can’t stand being here. I told him “no one is stopping you from leaving, and if you feel this way then why stay here?” He says, “I’m moving out tomorrow.” I told him don’t wait till tomorrow, please leave today, I don’t want you here anymore if you feel that way. I will help you get your stuff out too.” He told me he wishes he could hit me and he would if I touched his belongings. Well I was on the edge of the bed and I scooped all of the clothes from the dresser and dropped them in a box and I looked up and he’s coming at me and he shoved me from the end of the bed, through the bathroom door and into the shower. I got up and walked out and called the police. He really started moving his things out quickly then. I told the dispatcher that he was trying to flee the scene as he usually did and that I didn’t know where the new apartment he’d be staying in was. Thankfully they arrived within minutes and he didn’t have time to leave like when he pushed my pregnant friend. I am still trying to wrap my head around this all. Yes, he did go to jail.

It’s October 23rd, 2020, and today I had to go to court for his initial hearing. Well, his bond is $1500 so I am hoping he doesn't get out anytime soon. It is highly probable that he will get out because of his family. He doesn’t have any money like usual. I pay for everything.

I am free. I am done.

Tis my favorite day.

 Today is October 31, 2020, and It’s Halloween! It's my favorite holiday and I'm more than excited for today. A few of my friends invited me out and I am hoping to have some kind of fun tonight. I have been cooped up in the house for three weeks now so I am ready to have fun. It’s been a few months since I have done anything more so “adult” and “fun”. Other than working if you know what I mean haha. I am staying positive today. I am trying my best. I won’t be stuck in this condo for tonight and if I do I’m hoping to still dress up. My friend and I had planned this morning but he has a few things to do before we can do anything. Which is fine, I was hoping we could look for costumes or help me pick out one. If he can’t I know my girl gets off at two today and she’ll go with me and help me. I was hoping my mom would send me my old costumes so I could save money this year but she ended up not sending them because she thought I wasn’t going to be doing anything. I had planned to be with Alec and Kai, his son, but we all see how that went down. I hope he at least is still going with Kai. It’s alright though. I’ll just buy another one again and still have fun. This year I was hoping to be Harley Quinn but I don’t have a Joker anymore, so my friend hit me up wanting me to dress up as a playboy like her. Which I have no problem with. I haven’t felt pretty let alone sexy in a while so I think I could feel sexy for a night. Maybe a PowerPuff girl. So many different ideas to do. One of my guy friends is dressing up as the Tiger King. I thought that was hilarious. I can’t wait to see it. He has long hair too so I wonder if he's going to style it! 

I’m thinking I could be a cute alien or something, maybe a ringmaster. I don’t know. It seems like I haven’t kept up with what's new this year. Haha! Oh well. That just makes me feel almost better that I haven’t been up with this year. It wasn’t worth the bullcrap at all! Nowadays it seems like they aren’t really investing in making anything new, just going off of oldies and making newer versions. I mean I guess it’s not the worst but it’s almost like most people don’t want to work anymore or be creative. It is definitely a bummer but I guess it’s life. I’m honestly thinking about doing something DIY. Might as well do what people my age do anyways so what could it hurt to try? 

Don't stress.

 Today is October 30, 2020. Honestly, guys, being at home this long is making me depressed and stressed more so than before. I thought I would be healed already and back to work making money not having to worry about next month's rent already. Yea the Airbnb is going well but the two rooms I am renting out aren’t enough to pay the bills, just to help. And by all means, I am more than grateful for the guests. They have no idea how much they help me out. If it weren’t for them I wouldn’t have made rent. I want to work again and feel some type of normal. I can’t stress it enough. It really sucks to have to go through this process alone. To have all these things that need to be done but physically not being able to accomplish the little things is hard on the mental. You just see everything that needs to be done but hurt when you try to do them. Then on top of it, I get upset thinking about the other person who helped me make this little bean that didn’t make it, and how he isn’t affected by this whole thing. It’s not fair. When he was here I asked him to help me with a few small tasks and he couldn’t even do that. Granted it's the small things. He would tell me I could do it on my own and that used to make me sad. It hurts mentally that I know he thinks that this isn't that serious and I could go back to work and this, that, and the other. That I can just get over it because it’s gone now. He doesn’t understand the mental and physical changes I went through in that short time. He doesn’t understand the bond I had created within my body with this little bean. There was a little human growing inside my body, taking everything I did. I just got to keep going. I got this.

I'm doing my best.

 Today is October 29, 2020, two days after surgery and when I got up this morning my stomach felt heavy and bruised. I went with my friend to this mall to get him a hat, and he actually bought me one too. We went inside the food court to find some food but honestly, I still can’t eat much. So he got us some churros for us to share which were really good but I let him have the majority of it. This whole time we were sitting just talking after that because he didn’t want me walking too much. Which was nice and he was trying to get me out of the house. I appreciate him. I couldn’t walk hard or anything but I still felt better than I did the other day. I did bleed a lot though. That was insane. I did have fun though. It’s basically the most I’ve done during this time to have been out other than helping Alec with his things. 

 Today is October 27th, 2020 and the surgery went well. I know going into it I was very nervous and very scared. I don’t like to be put to sleep honestly. Probably the first person most people heard not liking anesthesia hah! I was hurting and felt empty on the inside. I had not eaten anything since before 8 that night before. I couldn’t eat much after the fact either, which really sucked. I can’t move my stomach around or shake it up and when I walk around for a good few minutes I start hurting so freaking bad. Sometimes I get tears in my eyes and shed a few. It’s extremely painful. 

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

This is just nuts.

 Today is October 24th, 2020 and he is still in jail. I can’t believe he's actually gone. Still goes through my mind a lot... Yeah, of course, I miss him but I didn’t love him. He made me delete my social media, wanted me to work out and do everything he says, or if not he gets more than angry. Then he’d want to hit me. Yeah, I am alone again but I guess it's for the better. I’ll eventually be fine. Get my life back together. My mom is coming to see me today I believe. I’m not sure if my dad is coming though. We will see. I’m going to start saving money again. I have been dying to get another car. The first car I had gotten when I turned 16 was a smart car. Man, I loved that car more than I loved people. Is that sad? Well, both of my cars honestly. I got my second one at 19, it was my first sports car, it was a Mazda RX-8. That car was so nice. I loved it. I still miss it to this day. I really sometimes miss my old life. Way too much. Maybe one day, my life will be happy again.  

So this morning, I’m walking around drinking my chocolate milk, breakfast essentials, and I hear my doorbell ring. I was kinda like who could that be, but low and behold it was an officer to tell me that he will be getting out today in six hours. Well, that was heart-pounding. I asked if the no-contact order is still in place. He confirmed and told me good luck. So the day goes on and my mother gets here and the second we are leaving I see two police cars and he is in his dad's van and he was staring me down. We turned around and followed them back to my place. I flagged the police down and let them know we were literally about to go get crickets from the store because I didn’t know when he’d be getting released and I didn’t want to starve the lizard. It already didn’t eat enough as is because he forgot to mention you have to feed it at least 5 times a week when he was feeding it once a week. I felt so bad for this poor lizard. Then I heard him say he was taking it to Iago’s house and I am not surprised he’s taking it there because he was telling me he didn’t want it anymore because it’s not going to be as big as the other one he bought and gave away. That's just beyond me. Why get something if you're not going to take care of it and don’t want it. Makes me almost sick. I cried to my mom about how I didn’t know how to take care of this lizard and how it hurt me because I don't have the means of transportation to go get its food and everything else. 

What I can’t seem to understand is the fact that he brought the van to pick up the tank but didn't use it. So the police told me for him to come back he would have to get ordered from the court and have to see the judge come back again. I don’t want to see him or be with him anymore. I’m in tears once again because I just can’t wrap my mind around it all. He’s so controlling and manipulative. It’s not fair. I’m thinking next time he’s hoping I am not here so he could try to steal my things or try to see me again. I don’t know. I’m still shaken up about it all.

Once again, I feel alone.

 Today is October 20, 2020, and yesterday I went to the doctor for a checkup to make sure everything was making its way out okay. It has been a week and man has it been horrific. Blood clots, tissue, and more blood. Pain, pain, pain, and did I forget to mention the pain? I’m telling you it sucked so bad. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Anyways, the doctors told me that I had to redo this whole process because not everything came out the first time. When my doctor told me that I just started crying. There is no more sac, she left early.. But there was still more tissue and more blood that's going to come. So I have to take this medication again but this time he gave me some better medication for pain. I at least have that to hopefully make it a little better. 

This whole process sucks. You have to go through mental pain and physical pain. Having to completely get over the fact you were growing and doing everything perfect for this little baby to grow strong and healthy, just for it to not be “my time” to have a baby. Well, I bought a new condo, started two jobs, and already bought a baby toy, told everyone at work, got so excited about its arrival. Just to be let down by hearing, “Your baby has no heartbeat” and it hits me all at once. When I am physically hurting it makes me think why me? Why can’t I just have at least one? Why does it seem like God hates me? And when that pain comes physically it all comes crashing down again. Those questions come to mind..

I know another thing is my emotions going insane. I feel like I can’t trust no one. I have nowhere to run, or no one to talk to. It's hurtful. To find out who your real friends are or think that they were never real friends.. Is it all because of him? I had a few friends telling me to leave him because he is manipulative, and a control freak, and when I don’t abide by what he says he gets so mad and acts as if he wants to hurt me. For what? Thinks he's God almighty himself and thinks I need him. Tell me how I need him but he lives with me? He needs me to pay for groceries for him, and sometimes his car's gas, as well as food that he was supposed to buy for us. Oh then we got started on the whole green deal, I got stuck paying for it because he didn’t have any money when I was pregnant. You already know what they say, “I need it”. Oh okay.

No longer do I have to do this for him or us anymore. It was just me. So let me say some days are better than others. Don’t ever let anyone drain you either. It’s not fair to anyone but the abuser. I was learning though. We all are. Don’t let anyone think you’re crazy either. Chances are, your mind is going to make you feel those ways but knows you’re feeling it because of your surroundings. Your body speaks a lot, you just have to listen. Also, if something doesn’t feel right, go with your gut. It’ll save a lot of time and headaches. 

It's time.

It is October 18th, 2020, and I know I am already over today. I am having to help him move his belongings out and drive his car for him to yell at me about texting his friend's wife. Like dude,  I can’t even hang out with anyone. He can’t “trust” me. Oh okay, cause all I do is sit at home and wait for him to come home if I am not working. It's great. Love my life.

Going back and reading this, I felt hurt. I couldn’t believe it. I just knew the end was coming, just didn’t know when. I hate it had to be this way but I couldn’t be with someone who was really controlling. He got very aggressive. At times I would lock him out if I felt scared. I would never get anything done in the end because I felt all these different types of ways. He never really helped out much with anything and I had to get myself right again. I had to take care of my jobs, my house, my life. It was time for

 Today is October 15th, and it is getting better. Day by day. I am still having a bunch of pain, still bleeding, still nauseous. Alec has been helping out a lot. He washed the sheets and took the trash. He did the dishes! I did the second half later that night. He vacuumed for me as well. We had another guest stay last night, they are still here snoozing away haha! Makes me happy to know me and Alec aren’t ruining anyone's stay! I’m going to keep my fingers crossed though for this to go well. As of today, I have 7 bookings! How freaking insane. These are our profits for half of this month, because I posted the listings the other day, we are up to $160! I am freaking doing it!! I love the company of other people and sometimes they share good conversations. It is nice to learn about other cultures as well. In Florida, we get people from all over the world, a lot of tourists.

I love the short-term stayers a lot. Sometimes they bring gifts and sometimes they leave a little extra money. I can’t explain how most “airbnbers” are super friendly. So far I have been enjoying it. I am doing my bestest to stay positive.

This is just sad, nuts even.

  Today is October 14th, 2020 and I saw my little bean pass and I have not been okay since. In a sense numb to feel. I guess I’ll be okay. Alec has been here with me while he doesn't have to work. Been making myself a hot water bottle since the store is closed and can’t get a heating pad. Cuddling me and cleaning everything up for me, cooking dinner. He says he wants to get me pregnant again as soon as possible if I would let him. Sounds crazy right? I just need to heal from my current loss now and cope. As soon as these tests that I will have to do soon to help figure out why I am miscarrying before I want to start this painful process again.

I will be okay. God will not lead me astray.

I honestly thought that my two serving jobs were going to kill me having to take a week off to deal with things. Instead, I took my doctor's note and my ultrasound pictures of my 6-week old little bean and explained that I had recently found out I was pregnant but the baby has no heartbeat. The newly growing fetus wasn’t growing anymore and was shrinking drastically. They understood. Waffle House I knew probably wasn’t going to be a big deal because I have worked there almost a year, but Applebees on the other hand had no idea I had conceived, and I figured they were going to fire me because I was a new hire. My manager David at Applebees told me when I brought the note in, that I was covered and I had nothing to worry about because I was such a hard worker and that I proved myself of the job. Helping out where it is needed and working as a team player. He admired my work ethic and loves that I was hired to join their team. You know hearing that from an employer literally made me cry. Makes my day knowing that my job loves me and feels relieved when I come in. I have actually had a few coworkers tell me the same, “OMG I’m so glad you're here!” from Megan one of my first days on the job, and I’ve had one of the other servers Lauryn give me this metal L with bulb lights for my bedroom!  One of my other coworkers gave me some minty gum for my shifts, I think she might have heard I was pregnant, and she would only share her snacks with me and always gave me the most. Makes me feel appreciated. 

At work though, I do love to team play. I love seeing my fellow servers happy and getting their work done and everyone making their money. Makes the shift go by so much faster. I can’t wait till I learn this new menu so that I can make the most money and work myself into finer dining if I wanted to. Selling wine by the bottle. I tried getting into the hookah lounges for more of a bartending type deal as well as serving. I would love to get into that and make a bunch of money but the one I got hired onto wanted me to sell my body and there is no need to do that to make money. I literally wa
lked right back out the door. That is not what I interviewed or signed up for. They told me I would get free bartending school, not to take my shirt off. I learned quickly right then and there that that wouldn’t be the right industry for me. I haven’t looked back since.   

In the midst of all of that though, since I do have the extra room now, I decided to post my extra rooms on Airbnb. So far that has been alright! I do not mind it at all. The people are always super sweet, clean, and friendly! In my new home, I believe it was last night or the night before last we had our first guests! They were a young, fun couple. They checked in later that night and when they got here, they were all dressed up looking for some bars to get into! Man if I wasn’t in all this pain I would have asked to join them! I have definitely been needing some vacation time! Been working so much it is unreal. I do know that within the past few days of being posted on the Airbnb app, we have had 6 bookings! I am so happy! So far for the month of October, I have made $126! It has only been a few days! That is awesome to me! I did say Alec has been helping with everything lately so he made a few listings for the other bedroom on craigslist, as well and we have had all good responses on there as well. Three or four people so far have inquired about staying long-term in the bedroom! I am so thankful for that! We have someone coming to look at it tomorrow for $700 a month.  Did I mention I was excited?!

 

 Today is the day of my appointment to figure out what's wrong, well we still don't know but we do know that 5% is 0% now… Not any more good news from the doctor. Breaks my heart all over again. They told me it was smaller than last time and still no heartbeat. The “hemorrhage” has begun and now I am waiting on it to fall. I'm not the most excited about it. I am actually not excited at all. I have to take this medication to induce this procedure to make sure everything works its way out. The only way I agreed to this was because I didn't want further complications with the next potential little bean. I still want everything to be perfect. I know that this miscarriage was not my fault. There is something underlying he's got to figure out so I can have a full-term pregnancy.  I've got to have a checkup in another week to make sure everything's okay and more bloodwork. Yay! ;( (not really)! I have to miss a bunch of work. This isn’t fair. I wish I couldn’t have wasted this much time on something that was never meant to be. In hindsight, though I am able to save and focus on myself once this is over. I have to keep going. 

I am most definitely broken inside. I am not okay. I wish I could just run away. Get away from everywhere. It’s like I can't escape this hell. I am about to cough my ass off smoking and I am going to forget about this. 

Honestly, with the pain we feel, it is never okay to numb ourselves with anything though. We have to keep looking up! Sometimes we all have our ups and downs!

A Hard Reset.

  Today is October 11th, 2020 and I just wanted to get on to say I washed my dishes! Haha, it might seem like something completely irrelevant to you but to me, that is my weakness. I haven't been on top of everything that I should be, which sucks but I am getting through it one day at a time. Like I said today I did complete the dishes. Every now and again I have to remind myself that the best care is self-care. It is always a good way to show you, you matter. It is your place in the world to feel like something needs your time and attention. Never let that go unnoticed. The clothes you love to piece together and wear time after time need your attention when the day is over to either put them back up where they belong or toss them in that bin you're waiting to fill up with all the other day's worth of clothes. Then after they need you once more to wash them and get them all ready to wear all over again. 

That there is a constant circle in life. Whether it be something as simple as clothes, dishes, or something like a dreamcatcher that you make for yourself. Make the best of it. Take pride and accountability for everything you put your mind to do. It could be the best thing you enjoy out of life and seeing it actually completed gives you a sense of self-love and honor. You are able to accomplish anything. You got this, yea sometimes we can let our heads get the best of us but in reality, it’s okay to not always be okay. I promise there is always someone there and if needed consult a therapist or get spiritual within yourself, or go to church. Something that you believe in and maybe someone higher to call on. It’s okay to ask for help but the best help may come from yourself and within. If the smallest things aren't working for you try getting a haircut, start working out, or get a pet. For me, I try all of these things, except a haircut because no one is touching my hair XD, but I will get some new clothes or wear some new accessories. I started working out but because of my high-risk pregnancy, I have completely stopped. I have been trying to be the perfect mommy for as long as I can be. I dropped smoking, I vaped for years and hey I’m a green connoisseur too,  the second I found out I was pregnant and started eating better as well. I want her to be perfect! :) 

A throwback to when I lost it all.. Realized my calling.

 Today is October 10th, 2020 and to be quite frank I know this year has not given us people on Earth a break. This year so far has only made my mental illness more off the charts but more importantly, I am experiencing something I wouldn’t wish on another. I have gone to quite a few doctor's appointments because I finally conceived! I didn't think my body was able and honestly, I have been trying for a while since I was with my ex-husband. Just like the last ones, this one I had received some bad news for my newly growing fetus, the doctor had explained to me that I have a 5% chance of this being a full-term pregnancy. I have been devastated since. It’s only been a few days and in two more days, I’ll have my answer. I have another sonogram and a doctor's appointment following. I got blood work finally done like I've been wanting since the beginning of this pregnancy. Man did they not want to give me one! With the previous miscarriages this time they had to see if there is something with the blood type of the fetus and myself or something else underlying to make sure my body itself isn't attacking the newly growing fetus. 

I know my mind is a million places right now and the hardest part is to stay positive. The baby’s father is in and out of my life. He pretends he cares for us but I can just see right through him it seems. When he can't get what he wants he loses his mind and gets upset and throws a fit like a little girl! I cannot stand it! I am honestly to the point where I have gotten another job because if this happens to be a full-term pregnancy I know he’s probably not going to be there when she’s born. Praying that I have a little girl! It’s just back and forth with him and he's just a ball of problems it seems. When everything is good though things are perfect. Makes absolutely no sense. The other day one of my friends from back home messaged me and another person did as well, one messaged “hey lil ma” and the other I believe it was “hey bby” like I don't get that from random people on the regular anyway. Well to prove my loyalty my phone was handed to him to read the nonexisting conversations and he made me delete my social media. ALL OF IT. Alright whatever, he’s going to delete his too. Well, the very next day he had reinstalled the messenger app. What for? I'm not too sure. But I do know that after I saw that it was removed once more and then the following day after that I found pictures of naked ladies all in his photos from messenger. What in the world! All in the middle of everything going on but of course, the pictures are “old”. Mhmm makes you wonder right? 

On top of trying to stay positive and not doing research on the bad things going on instead, I decided to finally throw away the boxes and put up my clothes in the bedroom of my new home. Three bedrooms, two bathrooms. Did I tell you guys I was excited?! Haha! It looks definitely like a home now. My room is adorable! My little rabbits love it here, they run all over the place. I know my little one growing in my belly will love it as well. Plenty of room to run around and be happy and safe at home. Home-cooked meals and at-home play dates are always the best way to nurture the little one in times like these. Covid is still a big subject to the American people and other countries in the world. I would have never imagined life being this way with the masks and constant hysteria in 2020. This was supposed to be my year according to my astrology charts. Yes, I do look into astrology at times. We all need a little faith. It helps me get through sometimes. I have made a dreamcatcher that is hanging up on my wall and I swear no matter where I move it brings me peace and brings the whole space together making it “home” to me.